I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Randomize
