I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
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