she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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