I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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