I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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