I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
