hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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