I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
She's better-looking with the mask on.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
