I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Randomize
