dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
