Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
