Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
