Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
