No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
