youre lurking in front of me
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
