just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
