...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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