she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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