were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
