i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
