the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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