That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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