piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Randomize
