just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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