So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
