Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
