What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Randomize
