I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
