Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
