Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Randomize
