the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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