The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
