Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Randomize
