I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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