4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
