I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
