i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
