She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
