I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize