last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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