he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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