Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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