Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Randomize
