i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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