I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
