I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
