Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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