Your dad touched me again.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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