Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
