I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
There's even glitter on my cock...
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