Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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