I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Randomize
