yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
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I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
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Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize