this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
i think my cat just said my name.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
