Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Non-Jews are for practice
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
my shit smells like andre
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
