This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
