I am puke
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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