Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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