I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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