you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
